Trick or Treat Halloween Health and Safety Top Tips! Just for Spooky Fun!
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language, which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.
6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt.
7. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
8. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just leave NOW.
9. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it.
10. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re really sure you know what you’re doing.
11. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
12. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, and so on, kill them immediately.
13. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
14. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
15. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, or band saws.
16. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws.
17. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And, please, carry a flashlight, not a candle.
Happy Halloween, everybody!